feeling super upset but i guess there isnt any point too.

sometimes i wonder where have i gone wrong as a friend. maybe yes i'm over protective my friends cause i have seen them getting hurt ad i dont like to see my friends cry or feeling lousy .

and yet first time i tried to help my best friend i got fucked up and things got hay wired.

now my another best friend say i screw things up when i did nothing wrong to him.

the girl screwed him up and yet he say i'm screwing things up for him? alright la. 

so sorry for caring so sorry for being afraid you will get hurt by the same old shit again. all the way i was there for you when she ditched you and chose a dog over you making up all sorts of excuses about this and that but yet in your eyes she is still the best compared to a friend who has been there and trying to protect you from harm. 

yeah ever since you became a freeman i know you have been busy and all we hardly meet and all. but since you already say like i'm such a shit friend then from now on i really dont want to care .

i care got wrong i dont care also got problem. seeing this friendship starting we were close and we would still joke around but now? i'm not paranoid or what but seriously . if i am such a failure friend then just leave me ok. maybe being friendless will be better also .

so no one can come and say me this and that especially when i care.

i guess i dont want anymore best friends or whatsoever cause end of the day they dont see the good things i'm trying to do or prevent .

ok my fault i'm sorry for everything . i won't interfere in your life anymore. take care my friend i know i'm not needed there for you anymore .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

at this point of time i know i shouldnt be crying like a pussy again but i really cant help it.

#borntobeafriendlessloser#

xoxo 

25TH JULY 

THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST TIME I'M GONNA POST HIS PICTURE.

and i dont care whichever asshole sees or wanna tell him i blog about it.

my blog my life not happy fuck off no need any shit comments from people .

PEACE OUT.

this i why i hate the month of july . and i guess the past still haunts me every now and then. the reason that i played around hurting people and in the end the one getting hurt the most is still me. 

yeah i had let go of this rs if people are gonna wonder have i anot YES I HAD LONGED MOVED ON

just that it's not the bad memories that hurt but it is the good ones. 

i shouldnt even have started but i guess it just happen even for that little while that it lasted.

i'm glad he has someone he loves now and i really hope he has changed and not like before .

yeah the cycle goes from strangers to friends to lovers and then strangers again.

for this case it's like this.

no doubt he is the one that i did whatever i could to make it last but i guess we just not meant to be together.

it took me 8 months to forget about you but i guess no one is meant to be forgotten in life. 

but this is a lesson for me not to fall in love with all my heart too fast .

its been months since i last saw you and probably i dont wanna see you too cause flashbacks will definitely come back. and it will spoil my mood . 

   

yet again during that period of that time last year when i broke down to pieces i never forget the people who were there most of the time with me. i guess without them i would never be able to get out of that pit hole. 

yes my brothers fire, xiaohei and renjie scold me most of the time but i know their scolding cause they care in each of their own way . i still remember xiaohei wanted to slap me if i didnt wake up to my senses but i guess even if he did slap me its also for my own good. during that time nitez being a good brother and friend back then used a different method from them . inside of being harsh he was rather softer . but... i know he has his frozen side of him too. but yeah i miss those days when i had him like a best friend.

i just realize most of my best friends are all guys hahas. but THIS TWO are really my BFFL !

though both of them dont exactly like each other but i know they have been there for me since the beginning of the year till this day . yeah we have our quarrels and all but we never fail to be alright with each other again. this storm that has being going on for the past 6 months the storm with me and ph family this two were standing by me regardless of friendship problem, or relationship issues. and i promised that i will never leave the both of them . especially my TEDDY BEAR GABRIEL ! his tagging gonna be taken out tmr. freedom await for you ! our date on the 1st with sammy leong and pearlyn ! cant wait !

as for cloud. i guess he has been having a rough time and i know i am not much of a help to him but i know you know i'm always here if you ever need me ! and i know you are always there if i ever need you :)

love you two kk ! no number one or two cause im gonna treat you both equally . maybe i dote on gabby more cause he is 2 years younger haha . but he is one big boy too ! 

okay i think i posted enough from sad to the past to being happy ! 

ALRIGHT LA SAMMY !

xoxo

so many words to say to you but when you're just infront of me all the words just get stuck in my mouth .

heart races when you're around. just hoping i could pause time and hug you for as long as i can .

i guess you never really know how much i really like you . but yet knowing i can never have you i only can be  thankful that i know you and appreciate the times i spend with you be it short or long .

i know i'm not the perfect girl friend material, im not pretty neither am i smart . but i know i have the heart and when i love someone i will really do anything to see you happy and keep the relationship for as long as it can last. i dont ask people to spend money with me or need the guy to be good looking but yeah idk it's too  complex. 

okay enough of all this talk . just suddenly not in the mood for anything. have been feeling so empty for the past one year . and yet actually i should be happy that i got back my friend nitez again but i know even i got him back as friend it will never be the same. so many things have change everyone is changing or i'm just probably the only one still stuck in past hurts and memories. 

i really tried to move on. tried to put that smile on my face but simply can't haha i'm one pathetic shit case.

i tried to forget people but i can't. i guess one thing about me is the happy memories that made me hold on to certain people in my life. i hate losing people. i care for people more then i care about myself .

aren't i stupid to do that ?

well now i hope daddy's health is okay and hope mummy is alright in the hospital. 

home without mummy also weird even though her nagging is like wtf but she's still my mum.

okay enough of blogging maybe go play maple . sorry for the emo post 

xoxo

looking at all my pictures really let me see how much i had grown. 

just like my hair from being damn short to extensions and now slowly growing longer without extensions.

currently at home. best friend and brother sleeping like some pig. =.=

woke up afew times due to nightmares .  :(

dreamt of jetjet, ian afew unexpected people . seriously HORROR!

woke up and didnt want to go back to sleep anymore . i really dont wana think about jet but yeah cant believe i even wanted to text him just now but nahhh
later people say i BACKSIDE ITCHY .
and some ass is annoying me :( wanna squeeze his face NOW !!!!!
okay actually i have nothing to blog about so BYE ! blog later or when i have things i wanna say :)

xoxo

well i never really blogged about my family background before but after seeing dad just now i just wanted to say so many things that i can't say it by mouth. and what i am feeling inside is that kind of shitty feeling ever,

THE WORDS i always wanted to say to day since i was 7 years old 

met dad just now . he dropped by after his work. yeah dad seems to be rich and all but he likes to behave like any ordinary personn who lives within what they should spend and what they shouldnt spend .

grew up in a christian family but as for me when i turned againest my parents for getting a divorce everything in my life changed , was send into a girls hostel as i committed crimes and couldnt get along with my step mum and often fight with her. okay enough with all this bull shit.

i guess i have always only thought about myself and not about my parents and all. always had this hatred with me even now i still do think back about what i did. and i guess i was really a let down a disappointment to my parents especially dad . he doted on me bought me every thing that i wanted when i was young and i really mean EVERYTHING  when i wanted a dog he got it for me as a present for christmas when i was 8.

grew up being a spoilt brat as i had everything the way i wanted . i couldnt accept the fact that dad remarried and i tried every way i could that could break him and my step mum up. yeah you people might be thinking a girl aged of 8 why would she be doing all this. first of all i wanted dad all to myself as i had all the attention . yes that is how selfish i can be. at the wedding i litterally ruin it cause i was the flower girl instead of throwing flower petals at the side i threw it behind which was my step mum's face . till one day at the age of 14 i went in to andrew and grace home. 

learned to be independent and all ad concentrated on my running and music .

free gilr in 2009. before i hit 18 my whold body crashed . not gonna explained why but was in ICU for 2 months straight 3 relapses was supposed to be dead but somehow they found my heartbeat at the last sec,

so this is my 3rd life. cause when my mother gave birth to me she also nearly lost me .

during my dying period i then realize who were the ones there for me and everything and they were my parents. dad came down everyday with tears rolling from his eyes . mum came now and then with her sad expression. seeing me covered in tubes from my mouth to my throat and my nose. how much blood i cough out per day . the day i pulled out my tubes on my ow cause i was so fed up the doctors had to tie my hands beside the bed just like a prisoner , dad saw and was so upset he scolded the doctors for tying me up.

i never seen dad so upset in my life . up till today i know he is still disappointed in me and as much as i try to make it up i guess it will never be enough . but one day i'll prove tat i can change over a new leaf and forget about the past. 

really want to move back to dad's place i guess when i'm ready then i'll request.

but dad thanks for everythig deep from my heart since i was a little girl i always wanted to hug you and say i love you dad but never had the courage to do so.

i'm sorry for disappointing you and please take good care of your health.     

mummy when she was in her younger days and when she could still carry my brother and me . 

those days when it was just me samuel mummy and daddy no one eles.

samuel and daddy :) 

SOORY FOR THE TROLL FACE CAUSE I LOOK LIKE CRAP

dad remarried when i was 10 . my whole life turned.fought with my step mum, mixed with the wrong company and every shit you can ever imagine. i hated dad but at the same time i wanted him to be happy . but in return i had the cutest lil step brother 

the kind of kid brother any sister would want as my other brother samuel is more of a typical nerd freak .

while steward is more like me :)

 well as you can see this ACS monkey is here ! yup my lil brother steward .

12 years younger then me by the time he takes his PSLE i'll be already 24 MY GOD .

 on my "death bed .dad smiles but i know his heart is aching badly .

for those who saw me two years back you people will know why . 

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST PEOPLE . 

BUT I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW ^^

xoxo.

 basically ths 5 are currently the ones who are the most important ones in my life now .

though there are some ups and downs now. and korkor is still inside .

i guess ONE DAY things will turn out alright . like from the start i know being friend with different groups here and there , there will be alot of complications alot of explaining to do . 

nevertheless i'll still do what i'm suppose to do. 

no doubt i miss korkor so much that as days go by the more excited i am looking forward to his release .

maybe to some others they think we will not be reunited just like before but if we never try to stick back the broken pieces we will never know the outcome and i am always confident that korkor has a way of doing thigs that can make us a whole again. it's not gonna be easy but well. have faith. maybe people might say i talk alot of bullshit well guess what this is me and this is what i think. ain't happy about it go fuck off eles where .

i kinda sucks to live in a life without money , i have all the freedom in the world but no money and true friends are hard to come by. like i said before to many . brother/sister is just a term we cal one another who are really the ones we will know ourselves. each and everyone care n their own way and please note that action speaks far more then stupid words out from our own mouths. add sometimes it's not that we wanna say that this or who dont care but it's the way others show themselves by text, actions, expressions whatsoever . i guess oe thing i learn for sure. not to care so much. the more you care the more hurt you will be by the little things done by the people who you care the most .

off to play maple. i guess i'm loving more room nowadays sleep, eat , com best with aircon on ^^

those who play maple. do add me k !

E world - SJYwildkid (mercedes)

A world -  SJYdevilkid (demon slayer) 

xoxo

at shake with that boy ^^ 

when i got tagged on this photo i couldn't help but keep looking at it and smiling at it.

but,,, this is all i could have . pictures and speding time with him at shake but i will never be able to have him. well loving someone doesn't mean we have to be with that person as long as he is happy i guess i will be happy and contented . no doubt i miss him every now and them . hope to see him soon .

today whole day i stayed at home. sjy is too bored rotting at home with no plans .

wanted to go sing k but nobody free. hais stay home use com, cook ,eat, watch tv and sleep .

tmr got to wake up early also got nuh appointment hais must draw blood all again .

dont like sial. plus it's so far away. 

currently i'm damn pissed off cause my stupid bear say wanna be like the past thanks to some dog seriously and honestly if teddy chooses to be tgt with her again i'll disappear cause i cannot bear to see him getting hurt again. it's just the same when i get hurt or i cry he will o anything to get the person same goes to me. he doesn't see the point. i know what i am doing can already .

tiger suddenly contact me back again . idk how to feel about that either . don't know to be happy or not.

texted with guan ji today so may years and we still in contact not bad eh . keep di sioa me still ask me cook for him ! you mad bro ! but i guess people go and come back for a reason.

just have to live each day at a time. don't wanna think too much also . 

alright shall end here for the night. kinda tired but gonna chiong maple awhile maybe 10 levels more then i go sleep. GOODNIGHT READERS 

xoxo

everytime i hear the song "gift of a friend" i will somehow tear. i guess i wasted my time doing the video there is this feeling in me that he deleted the video when i tagged him .i guess i'll leave you alone for now, i know where i stand in your heart in this period of time. but no doubts i miss hanging around with you. being the best of best friends and the brother being there when i cry . oh well. i'll wait for the day you contact me again. 

went to teddy house today in the afternoon. he keep playing his maple and ignore me :(

then i took his phoe and tweet to myself . YES MYSELF using his account . 

then he angry :( next time not gonna take his phone post le ... i dont like teddy angry with me .

headed to tpy meet mother ad her friend end up got damn pissed off . mother really damn annoying . 

i hate how she puts me down and say so much rubbish which is not the truth . 

what to do end of the day still my mother -.-

headed home after that and oh god i am damn tired today i don't know why. nowadays always sleep kan early then wake up also damn early . but gpod also la turn back my body clock to a proper timing to function.

korkor coming out soon everytime when people post about korkor and tagg me i will be so damn happy ! just afew more months shall start saving and if i get to work im gonna save and bring korkor go eat nice food !but for now is 2 weeks to teddy's tagging off . gonna go on a teddies date with him most probably will be going to play at USS ! monday gonna go with keith for his reporting at tanglin . 

i guess i'm gonna stop clubbing for the time being also. don't find any meaning to it already . use to go powerhouse cause of the family and when korkor was still around and this year was mostly one i wanted to see ian and behind part cause of adam and cloud. saying about ian it's been two weeks since i last saw him and i miss him. i wonder how is he but yeah hardly text and stuff already .

i guess like what people say if it happens it will happen .

in the end of the day it's still the same time waits for no one and life still goes on.

shall end here for today , goodnight readers :)

xoxo 

WAS SO BORED AFTER STUDYING THAT DAY THAT I WENT TO DRAW .

 DO YOU SEE YOUR NAMES?

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I LOVE AND TREASURE 

seal me with a kiss and take me with you

okay currently i'm waiting for my silly teddy bear to wake up . suppose to go find him at his place but he is still sleeping :< trying to ask keith go with me and just appear at his house and wake him up !

ytd was kinda screwed cause i carried the feeling of that i had lost someone so dear to me . the emptiness was really unbearable . sometimes i wonder why when i care i always get shit in the end. 

oh well 22nd i have a plane to catch but knowing myself i wont go in the end . even if i go i dont want to be alone and i actually thought of putting Ian into my luggage and bring him go .

i guess in the end of the day it's still him that i hold in my heart . even though knowing i can never hold if or even have him. maybe ever since the day jet left i never really wanted to be in a relationship either after how badly he had hurt me . but life still goes on doesn't it? 

the memories i held i had to let go eventually cause if not it will just continue to hurt. now what i really care about is the friends i treasure and love. thats why when i hold friends close to me i am afraid just like relationship they will leave one by one. 

people come people go and people always change. some for the better some for the worst .

but one thing i hate is the friends threatening me to ridicules things like ending friendship cause of this and that .from now i will try to care less i guess. im really tired in some way or another .

and to you my friend you wanna know in what way you change maybe your attitude to me . 

everything seems to be gone in a way . no doubts i miss us being close . but if you really wanna leave please do tell me cause i will leave you alone as much as i really want yo to stay .

how important you are to me you clearly know that yourself i dont have to tell you.

AND THIS IS TO KEITH, RAPHAEL, VIVIEN, ANDRIC

thanks for ytd i know i was crying really bad at the start but after awhile i was cheered up by the 4 of you in each of your own ways. keith and rap "fighting" really always make me laugh . and disturbing vivien this fag also always enlightens me somehow . and we ended the day singing at joo seng ktv ! 

we go and sing k again soon k ! :D

xoxo

HAHAHA I LAUGHED DAMN BADLY WHEN I FOUND THIS PHOTO !

missing my old school days . typical chao ahlian hair !

tail all thin thin one !

spike spike at the top !

when i think back sometimes i wonder by taking this road was it a wrong choice . but at the same time i grew to be stronger , had a better view of the world out there . the steps were always the same . you get bulled and when you had enough of getting bullied you learn to defend on your own or by other means in my case i had many people who kept me and doted on me . maybe cause due to my small size and all but yeah for some people they do not have a choice but to continue this road. 

but most importantly i learned more about friends and friendship. to see the right and wrong friends .

maybe cause many people who was once close with me all left eventually that it made me paranoid and really try to watch out for every single one who i really care about.

well in the end all i can do is to advice the rest is also up to them . so i have to just chill one corner . and if they fall the only thing i can do is to be there for them when they need me . 

got to draw a line to certain things too cause being to attach to a friend and when arguments occur is more painful then a heartbreak from a lover or even a bf.

okay enough of all this .

stayed at home the whole day spending time on the com . did a video for my best friend brother cloudy . it took me hours . it isnt very nice but i really made alot of effort in in and i hope he realizes that i have my own way of doing things too. there are actullay many things i know or he doest know about me and other people. 

neither do i want to give him a shock after all it is all past issues that i recently found out. but i guess this secret i am gonna keep till everything is alright . under circumstances some things are better left unsaid then known. just blame t on the past me the REALLY XMM the old who was called xiaosam way back in time. 

so tired already . gonna head for a bathe and maybe just watch a little bit of tv before heading to bed . 

everyday is a new day that's what i tell myself . thigs will get better eventually if there is hope there will always be a way out for certain things in life.

and for one thing i am sure my friendship with some people aren't that easy to be broken . this few weeks might be stormy but after a storm there will always be a rainbow .

represents happiness and a smile on people's face.

 shall end here readers and friends . it's simply all about life :)

xoxo 

Will things really be like before when korkor comes out.

dug out past photos when everyone was still as one. each picture hold alot of memories that will never be forgotten . each and everyone of them are important . though things are like crap now but if there is still hope i'm still holding onto that little hope. 

 jonnie walker photo thingy at powerhouse best pic of me and renjie korkor :)

 used to be a close friend till things changed. 

miss the times when i called him "cookie monkey boy and he calling me wildchild"

 taken at Jaee's 23rd birthday at seesha haji lane :) first picture i took with him 

was a dear brother to me . but i'm happy seeing that he has found the one he love and wanna be with for the rest of his life. i wish him all the best 

 ME AND KORKOR'S FIRST PICTURE 

also taken at jaees birthday when dage all smash cake on my face korkor help me wipe and tell people dont make me . heehee . 3 more months and i will see korkor again !

me sharon jaee angel 

during my birthday full of stupid faces ^^

 fire,sharon,xiaohei,me and jaee 

 the old group of girls from the family 

xin ning, yvvion, me , leen and dardar ^^

 i use to love this picture haha i forgot why !

but normally at ph in the past you will see the 3 of us on the podium 

yvvion, me and leen 

 my birthday at powerhouse with shane ( shaggy) when he still had hiis

DAMN LONG HAIR

MY BEST TWO BIG BROTHERS IN MY LIFE !

FIRE AND XIAOHEI !

hope every birthday they will be spending it with me and

hope we will never be apart again after korkor comes out!

this boy here makes me wanna laugh HAHA !

well here is Jeremy pingpingpongpongnapnap :) he forever think he damn cute and handsome

haha miss him though log time never see him !

THIS MIGHT BE A HUGE GROUP OF US BUT THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THE OLD GROUP !

Outings once in awhile like this walking around town or even bugis . no need to waste any money it's just the company that we are happy about :)

Junwei and my two smallsmalls adam and zurio !

this is what we girls always do when we go to the toilet before the club starts :)

shu hui, me, leen and yuki 

well this is the most recent picture not that recent but it was taken this year at CLUB SHAKE

well if you all know the 3 ban for life people from ph are in this pic

even though we are ban close friends will still meet us at different clubs every now and then.

 aint i a cute girl :x okay sorry for the over confidence of being cute but yeah sometimes i do love my fishball face . i know i aint pretty and all but i know i am better then normal :) looking like some young punk with that shirt but who gives fuck right> i am who i am no one eles can stop me and i am the one and most unique SJY  around. HAHAA !  anyway gonna head down to macs later to meet my kiddos to study and probably a movie later at night . and i really hope today will be a better day . ytd was simply horrid. thinking about it only pisses me off . grrrr ...

 .

 wen to filter with this faggot over here and half way she left that pissed me off but what the hack . cant be bothered over small thinks it will be fine after awhile .

filter was like shit i swear . saw some bitch there and ended up i was with BG and sammy most of the time .

wanted ian to come to mink but he didnt want cause he dont exactly like the people who hold events there. but oh well he's ian what do you expect ^^ that boy scolded me but it ended up funny some way . haha :)

this is one guy who i really cannot stand quarreling with . it hurts so much cause i guess i was the comfort and closeness that we had built up this few months . i never forgotten the things he did for me either. but i guess everyone is having a hard time with lots of things. many things that are hard to explain . but i guess end of the day all i really wanted is to not lose hm ever. im sorry for those shits i created but yeah certain things are done for a reason and sometime unknowingly . no doubt you will always have a special place in my heart no matter all the quarrels dont compare the way i treat ian and you cause i treat everyone differently and apparently you notice that when i quarrel wih you it affects me more then anything eles so you get the idea how much you mean to me . silly boy .

okay done blogging for now gonna prepare than head out gonna eat my curry chicken rice then leave home .

hope my lil didi will come down fucking long never see that little boy. i think i cute i so small i still can call people small lol. BYE !

xoxo. 

it's the heart that matters not the looks :)

SJY single for 10 months liao with no complains.

many things happen along the way had flings here and there and some heartbreaks even though there was no attachments . but i still survived ! self praising myself =.=

happy girl that my hair is finally getting longer ! and when it grows till the length im happy im gonna be a RED HEAD again :)

haven't been blogging and i have been sleeping throughout the day so that explains why . but i have been tweeting non-stop and lots of rubbsh actually . so if you wanna have some retarded tweets do follow me this wildchild at @SJYwildchild

after the event at smoove at club shake i guess i realize there isn't a need to meet people everyday to mantain the close friendship we all had. from what i see those peeps i have know for some time since the past few years we have still been in contact once in awhile and still close as ever. where eles those i met up with everyday just simply gives me much disappointments. but i have my faults i have learnt my lessons.

but whoever wanna turn their backs on me once that sentence is made dont expect things to be like before

cause that sentence really means alot and hurt alot at the same time .

left 105 days to my birthday and to korkor's release .

i got to start studying again. though im gonna have a major migrain but at least i am gonna sit for two papers . english and my humanities. 

heading to mac later after my shower and study . i guess gonna meet taigong .

done blogging for now ,

xoxo