from preventing to loving and now fallen 

never thought i would ever feel this way again . yet feeling so fucking stupid . never expected you to say all those things today either. never expected myself to hole my tears back and hold back everything that was hurting inside. was suppose to cheer up cloud and gen in the end i got hurt myself. but i didnt show it and yet still pretended to be so strong and joke around. you know that fucked up feeling? 

what do you take me as? " now is the time to spend time with me before my gf come back after that no more chance liao"

what do you fucking take me for. yes you know you knew all the feelings i had for you. you could put it in a way and just tell me you had a gf yet you say such things like this is the time for me to spend time with you. do i look like some bitch/slut that because i like you therefore i have to take opportunity to spend time with you before your girl comes back?yeah i know you went down to help me . yes you said if i didnt mean anything to you you won't even bother. you ask me use my brain? yes i did. it's not that i didnt think about it not like i didnt think what were we. yeah we are friends but im the one having the feelings for you  obviously you don't know how i feels to be me .i knew from the start we will never be together but i still continued to have feelings for you . i have never ever blamed you cause it was me . but true like you said matters of the heart cannot be controlled . im really trying to hold all this and accepting the fact that you belong to someone eles . im just sorry that i love you . i hope if i go mink tmr you will be there . if not it's okay. after all you aint replying me now.

was at central ac today with cloud, gen ,billy, adam,colin, kang and keith plus jin guan .

i thought colin still angry with me but end up he okay already . thanks cloud for being there and knowing how i felt and even tried to cheer me i feel hopeless cause he was the one being upset end up he had to ask if i was alright and stuff. billy was a joke somehow it made me laugh for a little while.

meimei said she knew how i felt but admired me for being so strong but like what i told her every strong person will still break . after everyone left i slowly walked home and teas just rolled down . i really don't know what to feel anymore like suddenly things became so blank. but i guess no one has to worry about it i'll be okay eventually i think .i hope for a miracle if there is ever one. 

but till ths day till now there's one thing i'm always gonna say 

i love you I.A but as long as you are happy i am .

i maybe upset and all but dont worry about me. i just want to see you happy :)

xoxo